My First Pregnancy — the initial highs and lows

Finding out I was pregnant was the one of the best and also scariest times in my life. You are suddenly hit with this overwhelming sense of responsibility that your life isn’t just your life anymore, there is a new soul living inside you that needs your protection and care. It is truly incredible and you think here begins this joyous journey but those first weeks are really, really difficult and I don’t know how often this is actually talked about. I guess because many haven’t disclosed their news and just struggle through until they start to feel better and then once they tell people they have reached the ‘glow stage’.

I scoured the internet and blogs to read about others experiences where I could, I found it reassuring to know I wasn’t alone and that somewhere out in the world someone else felt like I did. It is such a scary time in your first pregnancy — you are unsure of everything and your body is changing at this rapid rate. I am also a HUGE worrier, so every ‘something is going to go drastically wrong’ thought was going through my head (and still is!).

I decided to be quite honest with people early on; I basically found it impossible to hide. I felt so truly dreadful, exhausted and not myself in any way that unless I disclosed my secret to those I came into contact with on a regular basis, then they may start to question what an earth was going on. I also think it is a huge source of support to tell people how you feel so they can empathise and help pick you up when you are hitting rock bottom.

When I first found I was pregnant, I was lulled into a false sense of security. I felt normal, excited but with slightly sore boobs. I thought maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who sails through her first trimester on a wave of love, glowing from the inside out. Quickly I realised this was not the case, the nausea slowly started creeping in and taking hold. And boy does it take hold. I have always been someone who prides myself on my healthy eating, a big fan of the ‘balanced’ diet, eating predominantly plant based foods. Well the thought of anything green repulsed me…broccoli became the enemy along with pretty much any vegetable. Bread became my best friend and I would say at this point I am 90% bread roll.

With the lack of food (or any nutritious food!) came the brain fog… it is like trying to think through thick mud. You also lose all your energy, even walking longer than 30 mins became a marathon. I would look at my poor sausage dog and think here we go again as I trudged up and down Aldeburgh beach feeling like a slug. Some walks I came back home and felt so tired I almost couldn’t take my shoes off and had to lie down for 2 hours to recover as I nibbled on another mini ritz cracker.

And yoga… ah my poor yoga practice… that basically went out the window. I can confirm that doing a downward dog while you’re feeling green is not the best idea. At first I really tried to keep my practice up not wanting to go backwards but quickly I admitted defeat (not ideal with our exams looming!). I just physically didn’t have the strength, energy or motivation. I researched yoga to do in your first trimester and looked at ways to modify, and I managed to introduce gentle stretching and a few of the standing poses into my practice. No twists, abdominal exercises or lying on my tummy just things that would make me feel stretched, more open and relaxed. I would always end with a little meditation trying to thank and appreciate my body for what it is doing.

It’s strange so much of the time in the first few weeks you actually feel very disconnected from yourself as you become this different weaker person overnight. And as someone who is such a do-er I really struggled mentally, but giving myself a little time a few times a week to actually just sit and connect with my breath and body brought me back into myself even for a few minutes. I had to accept that this is what I could do right now, and that’s ok and if all I could eat was a handful of maltesers and an oat cake then that was also ok.

I have no control over this amazing miracle that is going on inside me; I need to just go with it and realise that I will be weaker, I will be exhausted and life is going to be that much harder while I go through this stage. BUT I am growing a human, an actual human with a brain and eyes and ears and a heart and that takes so much effort from our bodies.

You have to adjust to a new normal and accept you aren’t necessarily going to be what you used to. It has been really challenging but every time I feel down or frustrated at my physical self, I remind myself that this is a total gift and I should practice gratitude and kindness to myself and my body. That may sound cheesy, but it is the one thing that got me through and lifted my spirits as I stared at yet another slice of plain bread.