Further Learnings of Motherhood
It’s been a minute since my last blog…the last year or so has mainly been spent flitting between overwhelming love, perpetual worry and holy shit I am so tired and I don’t know what I’m doing a.k.a parenthood. It didn’t leave a lot of time for writing, in fact time just seems to blend into one big blur when you have a baby (and a pandemic). Only recently have I started to feel like I am emerging from the baby bubble, starting to feel like a little bit of me again.
Although I now don’t have a baby I have a full blown toddler, a very small, very loud dominating presence, walking, running, burbling and shouting her way through life. Now don’t get me wrong she is an absolute joy (most of the time) but boy does toddlerhood test you to the MAX. My husband and I have discovered that living with a toddler is like living with a tiny volcano that may blow at any second. They can exert their opinions through sheer brute force, turning from a little angel to a tiny angry hulk in the blink of an eye. We thought the newborn phase was hard… now they can chase you!
We often turn to each other and say gosh how lovely it must be to be a toddler… told to sleep for as long as you like, preferably 12 hours and then when you wake there will be a delicious breakfast waiting for you but if you don’t like it no worries you just go right ahead and throw it on the floor. Then you will be tucked into a fleece pocket, wheeled around with a constant supply of snacks, fed a nutritionally balanced lunch (a.k.a potato waffle) then told to nap for at least 2 hours if possible and on waking there will be another snack of your choice waiting for you, then you will be taken to a music class where you can run around, bash instruments as loud as you like and have a really good dance before coming home having another nutritionally balanced meal presented to you (to reject) before being given a warm bottle of milk and tucked into bed.
Ahhh parenthood…Here are a few things I have learnt along the way…
1. The day is now divided into 3 parts:
1. Pre-nap
2. PLEASE DEAR GOD LET THEM HAVE A GOOD NAP
3. Post-nap a.k.a the slow crawl towards bath and bedtime routine when everyone is getting a little tired and tetchy
2. Changing a toddler is like changing a very small and very angry octopus.
3. Everything can be solved with puffs.
4. Soft play hell. If you know you know.
5. Thank goodness for Hey Duggee and Peppa Pig. I have fully embraced screen time and now see it as an essential tool for survival.
6. Always prepare food ahead of time otherwise you will be cooking with a very heavy paperweight strapped to your leg and a loud angry siren going off in your ear.
7. Getting out the front door is a herculean effort. Shoes go on, shoes come off, hat goes on, hat comes off… wrestle into a coat, bribe with snacks, try and scrabble around to find said snacks whilst baby revs her engines in the buggy. That’s if you’re lucky enough to get her into the buggy in the first place, sometimes we go full immoveable object either arms and legs flailing or stiff as a plank. Pre-kids I never really understood why people said it took so long to get out the door, I GET IT NOW.
8. Feeding a toddler is the same as taking lots of healthy nourishing food out of the fridge, taking ages to meticulously & lovingly prepare it before throwing half of it in the bin and half of it all over the floor, replacing with a single potato waffle.
9. Toddlers go from 0–100 in a matter of seconds (don’t even think about taking that precious bit of rubbish off them or God forbid you tell them they can’t cuddle the toilet). ALWAYS have a puff at hand to appease.
10. Opening and closing cupboards is the best activity in the world, along with emptying full baskets of toys all over the floor for you to trip, skid and slide on. It truly is survival of the fittest, my agility has never been better.
11. I work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week with the occasional night shift, no annual leave and sometimes I ask myself (my husband asks) why am I so tired?
12. When a toddler doesn’t want to do something they will suddenly weigh twice as much and resemble the consistency of jello.
13. Never does a floorboard creaking sound so loud as it does when you have just put your baby to bed… as soon as my husband or I have left her bedroom we don our ninja suits and glide around the flat in a stealth like fashion. Using hand gestures and telepathy to communicate.
14. My friend once described nursery as a ‘bug sponge’ and never have truer words been spoken. I feel like they just have to look at nursery and they catch a cold. You will have a few sweet weeks where you are lulled into a false sense of security, you think nothing will take us down we have immune systems of STEEL and then the next day it all starts with a sneeze, a drip of the nose and before you know it you are all struck down like a set of dominos. My husband and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that we are all going to be moderately ill for the next 2–4 years.
15. CHILDCARE IS SO EXPENSIVE.
16. Everything is a ‘phase’.
17. 6.30 am is a lie in.
18. The snack hand. Definition: A small but determined hand that creeps up as soon as you set off in the buggy demanding a rice cake NOW. Snacking takes on a whole new meaning when you have a toddler. It is constant and intense. God forbid they go a minute without a snack in each hand and don’t even think about eating your own snack. I have taken to crouching behind the buggy shovelling a snack in my mouth while she is distracted for a second …sometimes I misjudge said level of distraction and am caught out by the rustle of a packet and it’s game over.
19. Sometimes (all the time) Calpol is the answer.
20. The admin that comes with having a baby is IMMENSE. She needs her own PA to keep track of her diary. She is free on the 3rd Tuesday of next month between 3 and 3.55.
21. Making new mum friends is like dating. Should I ask about a playdate, is that too pushy? Don’t want to seem too forward but I really think our babies would get on…
22. Napping is an art form.
Too tired = won’t sleep well
Not tired enough = won’t sleep well
Hungry = won’t sleep well
Too full = won’t sleep well
Teething = won’t sleep well
Unwell = won’t sleep well
Too stimulated before sleep = won’t sleep well
Not stimulated enough = won’t sleep well
There is a very small window in which to achieve optimum nap, 17.5 seconds either side of this window and you’re screwed. You’re in short nap territory, don’t even think about making that cup of tea and getting your laptop out. You have enough time to run around the house like a headless chicken herding toys, throw washing in the machine, clean some bottles and if you’re lucky shove half your lunch in your mouth. Occasionally, very very occasionally you hit that napping sweet spot and you achieve a full 2.5 hours, it usually takes you completely unawares and you’re not prepared for all this time, instead you spend it in a mild state of anxiety that a) they might wake at any moment b) why are they sleeping so long? C) worrying that this long nap means you are in for a looooong night.
23. You will never go to the loo along again. There will always be someone watching.
24. Utter the word mama with big eyes and all is forgiven, in fact let’s do it all again- it’s not that hard right!?
